I was raised in a religious household, where a majority of Chicanxs like myself, were raised on the doctrine of La Virgin De Guadalupe. La Virgin had already made us aware that we must become this “pure” and “innocent” woman to gain a husband. These were the kind of standards that Chicanas/Latinas had at such a young age. Where our religious parents told us that we must not become sexual beings because of “La Virgin” and “Jesus Chirsto”. That we must be as pure as possible if we wanted a husband.
When I was 14, my mother smacked the tampon box out of my hands at the grocery store and told me, “Whores use tampons.” Even though I told her I needed tampons so that I could be comfortable while I was dancing for my high school’s dance team. (Dancing with a pad is really uncomfortable, 0/10 would not recommend). I never really knew why my parents wanted me to hold on to being this “pure” woman? Was my own existence as a Chicanx just for the consumption of someone that would take away my “purity”?
For many years I struggled with sexuality in regards of how I looked, romantically, and in relationships. I lost my virginity to an abusive ex boyfriend and he told me that I ‘looked so gross while we did it’. He made me cry and hate my body even more. I felt truly impure when anyone would look at me. I felt like a disappointment. I went through a lot of weight gain when I first started Prozac in high school. This boyfriend didn’t last long, but the damage was already done.
When I graduated high school it was a chance for me to start fresh and have a brand new outlook on things. I dropped that stupid ex of mine once he left for art school and I went to college in the San Fernando Valley. When I realize that the Valley was hot as balls until November, I had to update my wardrobe to shorts, skirts, and dresses. For the first time in a very long time, I felt okay with myself in regards on how I looked. I no longer felt impure when I showed my skin.
Within the first couple of months living in the Valley I got asked out on a date and we actually had sex a couple of dates later. I hated it because the dude would never focus on me, he only focused on his own self-pleasure. I realized at that point I didn’t want to be seen as an object. I didn’t want to be seen as an object of a gross fetish, because I’m a so-called “spicy Latina”, “BBW”, or “I needed to get laid”. I wanted to be a sexual being for myself. I wanted to be more positive about my body for once.
I wore crop tops, bralettes, lace lingerie, and short dresses for myself. I felt empowered doing that. Having boys looking at me in disgust (and even my own mother) made me want to just embrace my fat ass self even more. I decided to start having cute pep talks once in a while when I would be showering.
In regards of my body sexually, I’m gaining more confidence slowly in my nude self. It’s gonna take a good while for me to have 100% full confidence of my fat body. I feel fine on how I look, I feel fine in the way I present myself sexually. I realize at the end of the day: No soy santa y no soy puta. (I’m not a saint, I’m not a whore) I’m just being myself.
-Joss from Xicanx Crybaby <3